Monday, January 26, 2009

R U Mine?

Hey gang!

It's been a while...

My life has been a roller coaster of emotion.

The good news: I'm a father!!!
Yes friends, yours truly is once more a cool hip rockin' dad.

The bad news: My on again, off again ,lady love, Lily, the lying, backstabbing heartbreaking, unwed teenage pregnancy (at one time), black widow, (I just thought that one up), stole my child!

Yes, Lily is a kidnapper.

It seems that back in our days of youthful indiscretion ole Ru Dog stuck a bun in the oven, (despite using an oven mitt plus plenty of cooking spray)but the 'baker' took that bun, baked it somewhere far away in complete secrecy, and then sold that bun at a bakery to a complete stranger , all without letting the yeast of that dough ever know that he had a roll! Or bun... What I'm saying friends is that Lily never told me I was a baker. I mean father.

As upset as I am at my own pain, the real victim here is that poor little muffin.

Can you imagine going through eighteen years of life never knowing that you have one hella cool, incredibly hip, Rolling Stone's best forgotten band of the 90's, rocker for a dad?!

It's like Luke not knowing that Darth Vader was his father,only imagine Darth Vader as a good guy who could play the %&*$# out of a guitar and had a great head of hair under that big black helmet.
(He would also probably not breath so loud and could belt out a power ballad like nobodys business. )

He would still be really awesome with a light saber.

Well, after visiting every bakery in Boston I am sad to say I still have not found my son.

Lily says that I'm being selfish and should respect that our son has his own life. I know she's thinking that he may not want all the publicity of being the biscuit of a big celebrity, but I could keep it discreet if that's what he wanted. But seriously, who would want to keep that quiet?
I mean get real.( Luckily I bought an extra couple hundred copies of that Rolling Stone issue to pass on to my children and grandchildren.)

Next she said he may not even live in the area. He might have moved out of state like to England or London or Europe. I told her I don't care if he lives in Timbuktu which i believe is actually in the state of Europe,I would gladly buy him a plane ticket and pay all his travel expenses if he wants to come meet me. (make that 'when' he wants to come meet me. Lil, god love her, is a real idiot sometimes.)

I wonder if he can sing like me or has nimble fingers to play the guitar? One thing I'm sure... if he's a crumb off of this cookie he has a hip sense of fashion (in a cool rocker way) and one great head of rockin' hair!

So my next step in finding this lost little cupcake was to make up fliers which i have posted all over town. I also took out a personal ad in the paper, and now I'll post the same ad here on my blog, so that the baker and the batter can at last be together in the oven.

Wait, I think Lil is the oven... that won't work. That's actually kind of creepy.

They can be in the same pink bakery box tied up with string together.

Actually that doesn't work either, why would a baker be in a box with his baked goods? Damn this is hard.

Well, I'll have to think on it a bit, but here's the ad: (At least I know I wrote that right!)

Wanted: Daddy's Boy

Are you a male, 18 or 19 years old, incredibly good lookin', have a great head of hair, orally talented, good with your hands, and looking for love? If so then I'm your daddy. I will provide financial compensation and be very discreet. (Unless you want to show me off to your friends in which case I have a great spread in a magazine that you won't believe!) Please call Rufus at 1 800 MAN LOVE

(I wanted "DAD LOVE" but it was already taken.)

The ad just started today and my phone has been ringing off the hook. I also have a message from one Detective Mark Schnider with the County Sheriff's office who wants to come see me about my ad. I think my case must have really touched him and he wants to help in the search for my croissant. (that's French for son.) i didn't officailly file any report so i think he's doing this on his own time out of the goodness of his heart. Although Detective Schnider sounded really tough and official on the machine, (actually he sounded down right pissed off), it must be part of his 'tough guy' cop act. I'm sure he has a big heart and must be a teddy bear deep down inside if he wants to get involved in my case. I can't wait to meet with him him. i left him a message and told him-
"this is Rufus Humphrey,you know- the daddy lookin for love and i 'm really excited you want to get involved with me. i understand being a cop you have a tough outside, but i want to get deep inside you. You sound like a big ole bear! if this is just a little somethin' you're doing for your own needs on the side then I 'll be sure to keep it on the down low. whatever you want is fine with me. you're in control tough guy!"
(i'm sure he'll get a kick out of that!)

I'll keep you all posted on any new ingrediants. I mean developments.

Until next time gang, may all your gingerbread men stay in your kitchen,

(Yes! I nailed it! Dan must have gotten his writing skills from me.)


Monday, December 15, 2008

A Rockers World Gets Rocked

Hey gang...

Your ole bud Rufus here.

If i sound a bit down that's because i am. I'm afraid this is one cool hip rocker dad who has had his world rocked by his Lady Love.

I'm sure it's no surprise 2 anyone when i say i've had my share of babes. i mean come on, take one cool hip rocker dad , throw in a flair for gourmet cooking, a closetful of tight assorted color tees ,(with the occasional vest or denim shirt just to mix it up), add a write up in Rolling Stone, an assortment of knotted leather jewelry, and one great head of hair and then you tell me who's tappin' a lot of- well, let's just say i've known a lot of lucky ladies in the biblical sense. you kids may be a bit young for that reference, but when you say 'the bible' it means sex. sounds messed up i know, but i didn't write the rules. (I'm too busy writin rockin songs.)

well out of all the babes i've bagged, there was one very special classy lady. (oh, i mean 2. i would never forget the mother of my children. she was up there in the top 5. Or 10.)

anyhow this lady, i won't use her real name ( you'll understand why when you hear what she did to yours truly) so i'll just call her Pill.

Once upon a time Pill and i were young, crazy, and in love. i mean that kind of love that makes you do crazy things. crazy, crazy things. One time Pill and i went through a drive thru at a restaraunt called...Mack In The Box. We ordered a cheeseburger with everythiung on it. i mean everything...cheese, pickles, onions, ...everything. then after they took our order and told us to drive up to the next window...we just drove right on out. We never paid, never got the cheeseburger, we just left. We must have laughed all night long over that one. Those people at Mack In the Box never knew what hit them. like i said, we did some crazy stuff.

well, Pill ended up breaking things off. I never understood why. I figured Pill just couldn't handle the demands of life on the road. Let's face it, it's hard to see other women throwing themselves at your man night after night.

years went by and we both married , had kids, and divorced. then one beautiful day Pill wandered back in to my life. God how i'd missed her.

Believe it or not she broke things off again. you see Pill's daughter, Cerena, and my son, Tan, were falling in love. Pill went on to marry a rich old dude named Fart. Tan and Cerena broke up but they still remained friends (as did my daughter Lenny).

Then last week something spectacular happened.
Fart, (may he rest in peace) , died.

I know this must be really hard on his son Buck, because dad's are so very important, but for me it was great news.

so Pill and i were back on. (not immediately, i mean we're not completely insensitive jerks, we waited a full 24 hours)

Pill and i were once again crazy lovers without a care in the world.

Pill was understandably feeling a bit frisky after the stress of her husband's unexpected and tragic death. we decided the best thing was to run off for a lovers weekend. i mean cerena and her brother Feric could care less, Fart wasn't really their dad and Buck would be upset wether Pill was there or not so why should both of them suffer? Fart wouldn't have wanted that. If Fart truly loved Pill he would want her to go and have the best lovers getaway ever. It was actually downright disrespectful to Fart's memory not to go.

So wanting to honor Fart's wishes i put on a tight fitting seafoam green J.Crew ribbed turtleneck, buckled my guitar into it's travelin' case , and had just put a note on the table for Tan and Lenny, when there was a knock at my door.

I'm afraid this is where i must stop. i don't know if i can trust myself to write anymore lest i say something i may regret.

let me just finish by saying that Pill is not really Pill at all, she's Lillian Van Der Woodsen-Bass and she's a filthy ,lying, backstabbing, heartless skank. She has once again tore my heart out with her bare hand, threw it on the ground stomped it into a bloody pulp and walked away. Well listen up Liliian, this is one rocker dad who will not let you get away with this. the red blood of my heart is on your shoes and i won't let you just hose them off this time. I promise you that.

sorry gang, i forgot that this is supposed to be a safe haven for my young fans, a bummer free zone. just think of this as an important life lesson courtesy of one broken hearted but still extremely cool and hip rocker dad.

Until next time, hope you never have to face the pain that feels like you just won a set of backstage passes and then the band takes them back and ruthlessly stabs you in the heart, then shoves you down on the ground, leaving you to die outside the venue, cold and alone, sobbing uncontrolably in a pool of your own blood...


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

it aint easy being rockin

hey there campers,r we havin fun yet?

well ur ol bud rufus is not havin 2 much fun lately. it seems that the pressure of trying to live up to the legacy of her cool rocker dad has finally gotten to my daughter,jenny. i should have known...the kids of rock legends often struggle with living in their parents shadow. how high the price of fame.

dan seems to handle it fine but jen being a female tends to get emotional and hysterical pretty easily. plus i think she takes after her mom, who never made the best decisions. after all,she left yours truly. no offense,god luv ya,i know i do,but sometimes you chicks can be real crazy.

i was pondering these thoughts recently as i poured my heart out in song,letting my guitar gently weep the tears i could not. suddenly i thought to myself "ru-dog," (thats my pet name for myself) "ru-dog, this isn't how humphreys handle out problems,we turn problems into possibilites!"

as a matter of fact,that was the official motto dad chose for the Humphrey Family Travelin Folk Band Summer of 79 tri state tour. dad was such a visionary!

and so that how i came up with my newest project. i am pleased to announce the birth of: Rockin With Rufus, a friday night safe alternative for teens activity. i havent gotten all the details worked out yet, but i'm thinkin guitar hero,rock band,kerioki,a song writers den...the possibilites are endless. dad would be so proud.

until next time, have fun at this crazy concert we call life,


Sunday, September 28, 2008

like rocker,like son

my hart is heavy gang.

my son dan has decided not to follow in my cool rocker footsteps and to become a writer instead. the poor kid is already facing the consequences of choosing the road less rockin. his babe dumped him. it's just like i told him: "son,the pen may b mightier than the sword,but when it comes to the ladies,the sword cant compete with a wicked lick from the ax!"

all his friends have turned on him too. i know just how that feels...

you guys arent gonna believe this,but i swear on phil collins it's true. yours truly was once picked on by a bunch bullies. even cool rockin dads arent immune from life's little cruelties,we just look damn good going through them. well, it seems kids were jealous as i had just become a bit of a local celebrity,thanks to my performance at the 5th grade talent show. i covered davy jone's hit "Girl" and i dont mind admitting friends that your old buddy just tore that s#!t up! but these jealous lil punks started calling me"rufus the doofus". i knew nothing could be farther from the truth but it hurt.

damn it hurt

that night dad found me out crying in the treehouse. he said "dont let those turkeys get you down." then he stayed up with me all night thinking up snappy comebacks. like: i'd rather rhyme with doofus than be one! dad came up with some real zingers. he always did have a way with words.

maybe dan gets his writing from the old man. i think ill have gramps over this weekend to help dan with his troubles. those two minds together,look out bullies!

until next time, stay in tune


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

rocker diaries

life can b full of surprises...even for a cool rocker dad like me. it's like my song, Surprise of Her Life:

"she blew out the candles/for what did she wish/a sexy new dress/or a gourmet pasta dish?/ the door slowly opened/she screamed out in terror/dont worry girl your wish came true/yes i was standing there"

the real surprise is that this baby never hit #1 on the charts. although it did get some air play in st. paul,minnesota,thanks to an old college buddy working as a NPR dj. good times.
well, the gang around here all had quite a surprise this week. turns out the new kid is english and the king of something. maybe england.
my daughter jenny and i once saw an entire documentry on just this sort of thing. this chick,mia, found out she was the princess of geneva,as in the geneva convention or the pear capital of the world. so she gets married and lives happily ever after. no kidding,it was just like a fairytale or movie. she wrote the whole thing down in her diary, so you know its legit.but heres the kicker: i saw a follow up piece a few years later and it turns out that this cat she married was not a genevan or a prince. he was a gay and a cowboy.

somthing to think about.

well kids, u can rest assured that your buddy rufus is just what he appears to be hella cool rockin dad.
until next time

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

reflections while playin my axe

the life of a cool rocker dad isnt always easy. just last night I was on stage,about 2 hit one of my wicked guitar licks when I started thinking about my son,dan. Is it fair 2 deprive him of my cool rockerness? Then dan called. he had just got lucky with his ladyfriend in a bus bathroom. The kid's a chip off the ole rocker block. He's gonna b alright...

Until next time,may all your songs be number one,