Monday, January 26, 2009

R U Mine?

Hey gang!

It's been a while...

My life has been a roller coaster of emotion.

The good news: I'm a father!!!
Yes friends, yours truly is once more a cool hip rockin' dad.

The bad news: My on again, off again ,lady love, Lily, the lying, backstabbing heartbreaking, unwed teenage pregnancy (at one time), black widow, (I just thought that one up), stole my child!

Yes, Lily is a kidnapper.

It seems that back in our days of youthful indiscretion ole Ru Dog stuck a bun in the oven, (despite using an oven mitt plus plenty of cooking spray)but the 'baker' took that bun, baked it somewhere far away in complete secrecy, and then sold that bun at a bakery to a complete stranger , all without letting the yeast of that dough ever know that he had a roll! Or bun... What I'm saying friends is that Lily never told me I was a baker. I mean father.

As upset as I am at my own pain, the real victim here is that poor little muffin.

Can you imagine going through eighteen years of life never knowing that you have one hella cool, incredibly hip, Rolling Stone's best forgotten band of the 90's, rocker for a dad?!

It's like Luke not knowing that Darth Vader was his father,only imagine Darth Vader as a good guy who could play the %&*$# out of a guitar and had a great head of hair under that big black helmet.
(He would also probably not breath so loud and could belt out a power ballad like nobodys business. )

He would still be really awesome with a light saber.

Well, after visiting every bakery in Boston I am sad to say I still have not found my son.

Lily says that I'm being selfish and should respect that our son has his own life. I know she's thinking that he may not want all the publicity of being the biscuit of a big celebrity, but I could keep it discreet if that's what he wanted. But seriously, who would want to keep that quiet?
I mean get real.( Luckily I bought an extra couple hundred copies of that Rolling Stone issue to pass on to my children and grandchildren.)

Next she said he may not even live in the area. He might have moved out of state like to England or London or Europe. I told her I don't care if he lives in Timbuktu which i believe is actually in the state of Europe,I would gladly buy him a plane ticket and pay all his travel expenses if he wants to come meet me. (make that 'when' he wants to come meet me. Lil, god love her, is a real idiot sometimes.)

I wonder if he can sing like me or has nimble fingers to play the guitar? One thing I'm sure... if he's a crumb off of this cookie he has a hip sense of fashion (in a cool rocker way) and one great head of rockin' hair!

So my next step in finding this lost little cupcake was to make up fliers which i have posted all over town. I also took out a personal ad in the paper, and now I'll post the same ad here on my blog, so that the baker and the batter can at last be together in the oven.

Wait, I think Lil is the oven... that won't work. That's actually kind of creepy.

They can be in the same pink bakery box tied up with string together.

Actually that doesn't work either, why would a baker be in a box with his baked goods? Damn this is hard.

Well, I'll have to think on it a bit, but here's the ad: (At least I know I wrote that right!)


Wanted: Daddy's Boy

Are you a male, 18 or 19 years old, incredibly good lookin', have a great head of hair, orally talented, good with your hands, and looking for love? If so then I'm your daddy. I will provide financial compensation and be very discreet. (Unless you want to show me off to your friends in which case I have a great spread in a magazine that you won't believe!) Please call Rufus at 1 800 MAN LOVE


(I wanted "DAD LOVE" but it was already taken.)

The ad just started today and my phone has been ringing off the hook. I also have a message from one Detective Mark Schnider with the County Sheriff's office who wants to come see me about my ad. I think my case must have really touched him and he wants to help in the search for my croissant. (that's French for son.) i didn't officailly file any report so i think he's doing this on his own time out of the goodness of his heart. Although Detective Schnider sounded really tough and official on the machine, (actually he sounded down right pissed off), it must be part of his 'tough guy' cop act. I'm sure he has a big heart and must be a teddy bear deep down inside if he wants to get involved in my case. I can't wait to meet with him him. i left him a message and told him-
"this is Rufus Humphrey,you know- the daddy lookin for love and i 'm really excited you want to get involved with me. i understand being a cop you have a tough outside, but i want to get deep inside you. You sound like a big ole bear! if this is just a little somethin' you're doing for your own needs on the side then I 'll be sure to keep it on the down low. whatever you want is fine with me. you're in control tough guy!"
(i'm sure he'll get a kick out of that!)

I'll keep you all posted on any new ingrediants. I mean developments.

Until next time gang, may all your gingerbread men stay in your kitchen,

(Yes! I nailed it! Dan must have gotten his writing skills from me.)

Rufus

6 comments:

outfromunder said...

this blog is absolutely hilarious and amazing all at once, rufus i'm so glad you found me! blair was feeling a little lonely, blogger isn't the same without her upper east side (and brooklyn) posse.

keep on living your dream rufus, blair might not believe in you, but she might need a favor one day ; )

Couture Carrie said...

I freakin love this blog and you, Ru-Dog!

xoxox,
CC

Katie said...

So Lily and Rufus are together, and Serena and Dan. I think this time they'll BOTH last - how awkward! I like it!

Terence Sambo said...

rufus i cried when i was watching season 2 like cnt rmba the episode but it ws the part where Jenny came back home after leaving...... u know when she said she'd rather be ur daughter and hugged u...it brought tears to my eyes...damn dnt make me cry again :o)

Anonymous said...

R.
Love the blog.
R + L forever.

you know you love me. xoxo.
gossip girl

Bryony Rose said...

Pleaaaasee carry on with the blogging! My fellow gossip girl lover and I cry with tears of joy over your reminiscing of the past weeks, life isnt the same without your updates. We need you.
Keep rockin out!

Your biggest fan,
Fantastical Fashion x